Calendar Girl

Linda writes : "When my husband came home the other day, he brought our son - who is 7 - a calendar of very scantily clad women. At first I thought it was kind of cute, but now it's bothering me. Am I wrong?"

The answer is simple - just go out and get your son a calendar of scantily-clad men. The problem will sort itself out.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

"Dear Greybeard--What do you do when your "friend" disses a comedic icon and fake-cockney-accent-speaker extraordinaire in your presence?" *ahem* - The Girl Who Once Wished She Was Mary Tyler Moore and Julie Andrews

Putting together the clues, and speaking objectively from a purely unbiased standpoint, I think we would have to first discuss this fantasy world you live in where Dick Van Dyke - I'm guessing, here, that that is the "comedic icon" to whom you are referring - is a "fake-cockney-accent-speaker extraordinaire," let alone a "comedic icon." If it is Dick Van Dyke that we are speaking of, I think of him more as a comedic novelty, like fake doggy doo or x-ray specs. I mean, a doctor on roller skates?! C'Mon! And what's up with the porn star mustache? And the porn star name? Hell, in his own words - "I never made a good movie." So there you have it. 

Now, Andy Griffith? There's an actor. I celebrate the guys entire catalog.

As to what you should do - be a turtle. Let it roll off your back like so much drivel. 

Only the strong

Theresa - "My mother is dying. I have accepted this for a long while now. Every time I talk to her she slurs her words and forgets most of what I tell her. I have separated myself and family from her for years. She has a disease that is killing her slowly so I have watched her dwindle over time. But through pictures and speaking with family we all know its not long before her body gives out. Now here is the part I am having trouble with. She has been abusing her meds for a while and that is why most don't work on easing her pain. Within the last couple years she has had an alcohol problem as well. In my eyes, her life would have lasted longer if she had taken care of herself, taken meds as prescribed, listened to doctors.... I'm having trouble feeling like I care if she isn't going to last long. If she does die, do I want to even attend the funeral? Should I for others sake? She and I have not been close for many many years because she made bad choices and I chose to make my life better by walking away. Did I walk too far? Do I hone into the "she is my mom, she helped raise me?" Do I break down my walls built from many years of emotional pain?"

You can never walk too far. It's an excellent form of exercise. In fact, I say, the more you walk, the better.

The rest of that is shit you would have to answer for yourself. All I would be doing is giving you my opinion from my experiences - oh, wait. This is an opinion column. 

Um, I say - ditch the bitch. There may be a nicer way to say that, but I don't care. Disconnect yourself completely from the emotionally draining succubus. Live your life. YOUR life.  You've only got the one, and it's too precious to fritter away on hopeless cases. 

A more realistic way to look at it is this - no one gets out alive. What makes the life we have worth living is how we live our life. Her choice has been made. Only you can make yours.

He Said, She Said

Georgia asks: "As an at-home parent, how can I get Spouse to understand what I mean when I say I am overworked and underpaid?"

My answer would be, "Have them read this."

Moth.Er.Fucker. This debate is as old as relationships and just as frustratingly silly. I have heard the question so many times, and heard just as many variations of the other side of the argument. 

"I work all day so we have a roof over our head and food to eat. I shouldn't have to work when I get home, too. When I get home, I want to relax, have a beer, maybe take out the trash."

You work 9-5, right? So, with traffic, your workday is from,  let's say 7:30 (Giving you time to tie your shoes) to 6. And I'm not counting breaks and bullshitting here, because we all do our fair share of that. So 10 1/2 hours.

When does the at-home parent's workday begin and end, motherfucker? Are you getting your ass out out bed to tend to the crying baby at 2 in the morning? Staying up all night with the puking 6 year old? Who gets up BEFORE you to cook your breakfast?

"I have to work the next day..."

Bullshit. We ALL have to work the next day. 

"But MY job depends on me being cognizant enough to do my projects effectively." 

At-home parents shuttle children to and from curricular (school), extracurricular (soccer, band, ballet, Math Club), and supercurricular (Full Contact Bowling Club) activities, pay the bills, run errands, balance the checkbook, cook, clean, do housework - Housework - and many are going to school or have wage earning from-home occupations as well. You don't think that requires the ability to focus?

"I deserve to rest, after a long hard day of pencil-pushing/hitting things with a shovel/brain surgery."

Right. Because at-home parents get loads of coffee breaks, and smoke breaks, and office parties celebrating the second anniversary of the CFO's great grandniece's poodle's housebreaking. 


"You DO get paid. I provide for your food, clothing, and shelter. What more do you want?"

Oh, you stepped in it now, you son of a bitch. 

Don't ever argue that the at-home parent gets paid. An at-home parents doesn't get paid, unless you have actively categorized all that they do and assigned a fee to each item per performance of said duty. They do what they do because it is the most cost-effective solution for keeping the household running. Just because some actually enjoy what they do doesn't make it any less special. Saying that they get paid is akin to saying that they owe you for being in a relationship with them, and they are working off the debt. Is there a writ of indentured servitude that I'm missing?

Yeahhh, now you're thinking about it, right? 

They don't sit on their asses the entire time you are at work. And when you get home they don't stop everything they are doing and expect you to take over. It's a partnership. When you are both home, you share the duties, or you will have one over-worked, UNPAID, stressed out mama on your hands, and that is just not conducive to a healthy relationship. 

"But-" 

No buts, dude. Think it over, and you'll see I'm right.

Seriously. I've noticed this as a recurring trend in relationships, where one has a secular career and the other remains at home. This idea that because one has a job that earns money, it is their right to not only do whatever they want, but to shirk all household responsibility and put it on the shoulders of the at-home partner or parent. The mentality being "I've done my job, earned the money to pay the bills, when I get home, I don't have to do jack squat." Never mind that while you were at work, the at-home parent has been caring for kids, cleaning, cooking, paying bills, running errands, involved in the daily gauntlet of activities that are our JOB. That's right. Our JOB. The majority of us start our day either with or BEFORE you to prepare your breakfast, your lunch, make sure your clothes are clean, see you off to work, see the kids off to school, and start in on all the thankless tasks our housework entails. So yes, when you get home, we need - at the very least - for you to share the duties. Shared duties make the load and stress lighter for everyone. And every so often, we need a respite from said duties altogether. Say a day on the weekend to ourselves, or an evening out with friends, to reconnect with our humanity. Otherwise - BLAM! we either blow up, and you, the non-engager, are on the receiving end, or slowly we go bitter inside and eventually the relationship sours. We may still be together, but it's not - and will never be - like it was. So give us a break from all that. Willingly. It will go a long toward strengthening the family unit as a whole.

The Crying Game

Raven writes: "The only bad thing about being a chick is crying when your mad! I don't mind the sad cry, but how will anyone take me seriously if I cry when I'm really really pissed off?"

If you're crying while slowly squeezing their testicles,applying pressure at points of emphasis, they are more likely to take you seriously.

Cookie Monster

Maddy writes: 

"I need to get a chip off my shoulder...I have at least two girls in the neighborhood selling Girl Scout cookies...which I love....but the parents are posting on FB to please buy from said girls. Why don't these people take their girls door to door any more? At least in (their) own neighborhood. My girls are not that old. I did it. Are we becoming (so) lazy we will just sit on the couch and type a few words and expect people to buy the cookies? Tell you what - I will not buy any cookies from anyone unless they come and ask me face to face!!! Am I being rude?"

At first glance, to me, this does seem lazy and unmotivated: do very little work, but still get the reward. However - having pondered your question - as a father to Scout-aged children - there are several factors that come into play here.

Factor 1:

The Economy. Both parents could be working their asses off to make ends meet. When they get home, they are going to be shit-ass tired. Top work off with paying bills, chasing rugrats, and cleaning up after SOMEONE who thought it would be funny to cover kitty in paint and jelly and tie a bell to its tail, and it doesn't leave much time for going door-to-door to sell cookies. 

Even if one of those parents is predominately the caregiver, you and I both know being an at-home parent is a full-time job. There's Facebook, and errands, Twitter, housework, Pinterest, playdates, school, daytime television...it all piles up. The added responsibility of managing a distribution center for legalized crack cookies can be overwhelming to some... god I love Thin Mints. Om nom nom nom...and Samoas? Get. Out. 

Where was I...? 

Right. 

Making a Facebook request to see who might be interested in purchasing cookies can really help streamline their process, as they can map out the most efficient route to drop off the cookies, and still get home in time for/to make/to order dinner.

Factor 2:

Next is safety. A large number of parents are concerned for their children's safety, as well as their own. You see it all over the news - someone buys something off of Craigslist, they go to pick it up, and the next thing you know they or the person they are picking it up from are dead have joined the circus. Technology and the media play a large part in the scare factor, as anything that is considered "newsworthy" (i.e. "able to be sensationalized") is immediately posted to the internet, and can have an amazing impact on millions of people in a matter of seconds.This fear is especially strong in those of us with others to protect. Is this fear justified? That is a matter of perspective.  Some people feel comfortable approaching - or being approached by (and asked whether or not I think that growth on their leg is natural - true story)- complete strangers. Many do not.  If this is the issue, though, it may make things easier to request orders online. Of course, the issue here is, if they have your address, chances are they know you, so what do they do about those in the neighborhood they DON'T know? Which kind of makes that whole fear-of-strangers thing seem misplaced.

Factor 3: Then there is an issue that I hardly ever think about, but my wife is especially keen on: introversion. The parents and/or their children could very well be introverted, socially awkward, or even have a social anxiety disorder. The introversion can range from mild aversion to social situations to flat-out hermiting oneself away from any and all interaction with the general populace. For those of us that are extroverts, it may require exercising a bit of empathy on our parts to try and understand that for an introvert, or someone suffering with SAD, a simple knock at the door can send them into a full-on panic attack. They may feel MUCH more comfortable communicating online through email or other electronic means than in a non-cyber environment. 

Of course, all said, they could just be lazy-ass sons-of-bitches. Or it may be one of the above listed things that is holding them back. My advice is, if you like the cookies, order some, but request that they drop them off. At my house. Thin Mints. Then you know they are putting forth the effort to at least follow through, and they know you are willing to work with them.