He Said, She Said

Georgia asks: "As an at-home parent, how can I get Spouse to understand what I mean when I say I am overworked and underpaid?"

My answer would be, "Have them read this."

Moth.Er.Fucker. This debate is as old as relationships and just as frustratingly silly. I have heard the question so many times, and heard just as many variations of the other side of the argument. 

"I work all day so we have a roof over our head and food to eat. I shouldn't have to work when I get home, too. When I get home, I want to relax, have a beer, maybe take out the trash."

You work 9-5, right? So, with traffic, your workday is from,  let's say 7:30 (Giving you time to tie your shoes) to 6. And I'm not counting breaks and bullshitting here, because we all do our fair share of that. So 10 1/2 hours.

When does the at-home parent's workday begin and end, motherfucker? Are you getting your ass out out bed to tend to the crying baby at 2 in the morning? Staying up all night with the puking 6 year old? Who gets up BEFORE you to cook your breakfast?

"I have to work the next day..."

Bullshit. We ALL have to work the next day. 

"But MY job depends on me being cognizant enough to do my projects effectively." 

At-home parents shuttle children to and from curricular (school), extracurricular (soccer, band, ballet, Math Club), and supercurricular (Full Contact Bowling Club) activities, pay the bills, run errands, balance the checkbook, cook, clean, do housework - Housework - and many are going to school or have wage earning from-home occupations as well. You don't think that requires the ability to focus?

"I deserve to rest, after a long hard day of pencil-pushing/hitting things with a shovel/brain surgery."

Right. Because at-home parents get loads of coffee breaks, and smoke breaks, and office parties celebrating the second anniversary of the CFO's great grandniece's poodle's housebreaking. 


"You DO get paid. I provide for your food, clothing, and shelter. What more do you want?"

Oh, you stepped in it now, you son of a bitch. 

Don't ever argue that the at-home parent gets paid. An at-home parents doesn't get paid, unless you have actively categorized all that they do and assigned a fee to each item per performance of said duty. They do what they do because it is the most cost-effective solution for keeping the household running. Just because some actually enjoy what they do doesn't make it any less special. Saying that they get paid is akin to saying that they owe you for being in a relationship with them, and they are working off the debt. Is there a writ of indentured servitude that I'm missing?

Yeahhh, now you're thinking about it, right? 

They don't sit on their asses the entire time you are at work. And when you get home they don't stop everything they are doing and expect you to take over. It's a partnership. When you are both home, you share the duties, or you will have one over-worked, UNPAID, stressed out mama on your hands, and that is just not conducive to a healthy relationship. 

"But-" 

No buts, dude. Think it over, and you'll see I'm right.

Seriously. I've noticed this as a recurring trend in relationships, where one has a secular career and the other remains at home. This idea that because one has a job that earns money, it is their right to not only do whatever they want, but to shirk all household responsibility and put it on the shoulders of the at-home partner or parent. The mentality being "I've done my job, earned the money to pay the bills, when I get home, I don't have to do jack squat." Never mind that while you were at work, the at-home parent has been caring for kids, cleaning, cooking, paying bills, running errands, involved in the daily gauntlet of activities that are our JOB. That's right. Our JOB. The majority of us start our day either with or BEFORE you to prepare your breakfast, your lunch, make sure your clothes are clean, see you off to work, see the kids off to school, and start in on all the thankless tasks our housework entails. So yes, when you get home, we need - at the very least - for you to share the duties. Shared duties make the load and stress lighter for everyone. And every so often, we need a respite from said duties altogether. Say a day on the weekend to ourselves, or an evening out with friends, to reconnect with our humanity. Otherwise - BLAM! we either blow up, and you, the non-engager, are on the receiving end, or slowly we go bitter inside and eventually the relationship sours. We may still be together, but it's not - and will never be - like it was. So give us a break from all that. Willingly. It will go a long toward strengthening the family unit as a whole.